Astigmatism correction. Also heads up, huge rant post.
If you know your darling eye guru at all by now, you know that he easily gets triggered. Triggered by various words, including ‘eye exercises’, ‘eye yoga’, ‘palming’ (pretend-Bates Internet thing, don’t ask), ‘genetic myopia’, and of course, astigmatism.
You know who’s got astigmatism?
People. People, not including you. At least if you rule out monkey-lens-seller induced astigmatism, the kind you didn’t used to have before you started wearing glasses.
Astigmatism, the sort that requires lens correction, is fu**ing rare.
And yet every American myope, it seems, has cylinder (astigmatism) correction in their ‘prescription’. It’s a best seller, free upgrade, let’s see what else we can tweak out of natural vision biology and replace with a fixed, artificial focal plane, using a 16th century invention of the dark ages of not-even-medicine.
See? Jakey gets triggered. Triggered by idiots and idiotic practices, mostly.
Thankfully there’s now the Internet and Facebook (yikes), so at least you have the chance to dig around and realize that so-called optometry, the mainstream authority on eyesight, isn’t about you or healthy eyes. It’s about inducing consumption at any cost. It’s a fu**ing brand, optometry, like McDonalds. Just that they have better branding, and a monopoly on their franchising model.
“We’re doctors and those, those are prescriptions. You have to buy them.”
Solid gold marketing.
And before I never stop ranting, here’s the FB post you should read:
Things that make you go … hmmmmmm.
Irina is on to something.
Once you learn to listen to your body, your eyes, once you learn to measure and quantify, once you learn some very simple basic things about optics, you’re fooled far less easily. You notice that some things just don’t feel right. And once you start thinking about *artificial* focal plane correction, that you didn’t need when they first started ‘treating’ you, then various pennies may start dropping.
But then again, this isn’t a secret, about astigmatism and the nonsense it is (for most people):
Eastern Europe. Fu**ing it up for everybody.
I’ve personally had Russian optometrists laugh in my face, about astigmatism correction.
“Nyet astigmatizm. Bullshyt, Jehk.”
Those guys aren’t on point yet about selling you as much focal plane complexity as humanly possible. Prescribe the f*ck out of your natural biology, zap you with every possible branded, patented, distributed treatment available.
Because your body, weak and feeble, without modern medical intervention.
Hey look, it’s a rant post.
But whatever, I’m not even done yet. The Facebook thread isn’t done yet:
Mike won’t take his medicine, looks like.
If I was an asshole (shut up), I’d market myself as having found a ‘cure’ for astigmatism.
It wouldn’t piss off optometry at large, the way the whole myopia topic does. Astigmatism isn’t really a big money maker. I could be a hero and write lots of fruitcake articles for alt-health media outlets, be interviewed by all the paleo fad diet gurus, play it safe while cashing in on book sales and seminars and media appearances and high priced astigmatism reversal courses.
Oh wait, about that last part. 😉
Instead, I’m throwing in astigmatism as a freebee. Hey look, your eyeball is no longer misshapen and weird and in need of a specific axis focal plane correction. Go forth kitteh, for you are now cured.*
Imagine that, with some powerful spiritual talk about your chakras and a few sprinkles about gluten and sugar, and a liberal amount of seeing the world as it is. Some mindfulness exercises and an iPhone astigmatism app, and all the California yoga moms making tear filled selfie videos of how their headaches are cured and they can live a normal life again. A beard and bam, real eye guru.
Ok, wow, you say. Somebody, off the deep end today.
Let’s reign this in.
This is the kind of post I write more often than you want to know, and then I delete all these fun to write but probably not apropos to post parts, and leave just the mostly on-point information that you end up reading usually.
But not today. Baby kept us up all night, so this one stays.
Cheers, my darling round-eyed kitteh eye gurus!
*term used in jest, not insinuating infringing on optometry
monopoly on the term – this is not medical advice